What's Happening Now, Continued

So, I have a lot of work to do, and I can think of no better time to blog.

This is a continuation of .....drumroll...... What's Happening Now! Here's a link just in case you need to catch up - http://rayannsbadassbullshit.blogspot.com/2010/04/whats-happening-now.html

Okay. I get the email about going to the Cannes Film Festival, and at first I simply dismissed it. Two weeks? In a foreign country? Away from my husband and kids? That all adds up to an automatic rejection.

Next, I thought it might be some sort of scam related to the film I had submitted, like when you send in some original poetry and they say you will be published please give us $75 for the book it will be in. (fyi, I did't send the money in - that poem was really cheesy, too, so it all worked out)

Then I looked at the email some more. I did some research about the program, checked out the requirements for the trip, and mentioned it to Jonny. I asked him if he would be okay with me going on a trip like that, and he told me he wouldn't like me being away for so long, but it would be stupid not to go.

So I sent in my application along with a request for financial assistance in covering the cost. Jonny and I agreed that I would definitely go if the cost was covered by the scholarship fund.

The cost was not covered by the scholarship fund. I got a little money from it, but not enough. I started thinking of ways to get the money up, and I called my brother, mom, and sister for ideas. My brother used to be a missionary (i.e., never had to pay for anything), and lived in France for a year - he was a fantastic resource.

He was VERY excited that I might be able to take this opportunity. His encouragement and enthusiasm is possibly the one thing that pushed me into committing to the trip. I filled out the application and sent it in with my film.

I only had a week to get the money together for the program fee and airline fare. Guess what? I got it! It's all covered! My mom and brother and sister helped me reach out to family and friends and let them know about the trip and they have all been giving me money to do this! Its amazing to know that people love me and want me to succeed - it has really helped my confidence level go up. (contrary to popular belief, my self-confidence has historically been very low)

One of my big motivations for going to Cannes is that my film will be screened there. If you haven't seen my film, or if you have and you just don't get it, it is about living with flashbacks and stress and dissociative states that all come from the trauma and abuse I experienced as a child and young adult. The more the film is publicly screened, the more my face is out there exposing my past experiences of child molestation, rape, incest, torture and all out psychological assault.

There simply has never been anything that has made me feel this empowered.

I contacted www.rainn.org and asked for some info about how I could promote their incredible program (check it out - that's why there's a link) with my film in Cannes. They were very warm and supportive and put my film on their facebook page and sent me a bunch of material that can be distributed. They also told me that the most powerful impact would come from me speaking to the public.

Wow. That is hard core.

When I speak out loud and say the words that tell what has happened to me I am strong. Still scared, but strong. Speaking them out loud to a person or group of people I don't know? Maybe even a crowd?

My initial reaction is "duck and cover!" But my secondary reaction, the one that is calm and stable and sane, is exhilaration. Apply that to the potential I have in Cannes? Well, I will just hold off on that until I actually get there.

But it is completely within the realm of possibility that I can sell some of my work or get a writing job or something. A job that will pay the bills, and that can allow us to do things like get my teeth fixed so I don't have to be worried about them coming out if I bite into an apple. Also, when I am sick, I could go to the doctor. I could choose the dentist that would heavily sedate my seven year old in order to get his fixed, and not have to just go with the guy that the kids' government insurance covers.

We could get a new roof to replace the one that is leaking over our bedroom, then get new floors, paint the walls and get the hell out of here. We could get the hell out of here! We could get new cars! Neither one of us has ever had a new car - imagine being able to just go to a lot and be like, "I want that one," and that's the one you get? You don't have to turn it down because it has too many miles or smells weird or is mechanically sketchy. AND be able to pick what color, too!

Even beyond all of that, Cannes is giving me a shot at doing what I want to do, which is to empower people who have also been abused. I can't even start on all of the mental health problems, physical problems, substance abuse problems, domestic problems, sexual assault problems, and all the other problems that are in direct consequence to someone very badly hurting someone else - its too much.

I am already loud, and I'm getting stronger and more confident everyday. I am informed. I am motivated. I am ready to start kicking some ass. All I need is a place from which to kick - and I have excellent chances of finding that in Cannes.

I am really excited!