I'm getting old

I am getting old, and I am really kind of excited about it. It seems the older I get, the more respect I command, and the freer I feel to just be who I think I am. Of course, I don't really think I'm "old" per se. I am going to be 34 next month and that is not old. However, it is also no longer in the realm of "spring chicken."

My hips hurt. Sometimes it takes me a really long time to get up after sitting with my legs crossed. 11:30 p.m. is my idea of "really late." My silver hair has gotten prominent enough to show up in photos. These things have not been bothering me, to my surprise.

I wear reading glasses and I am always losing them. I can literally put anything at all down, turn around in a circle, and not be able to find it again. This has been really frustrating with the reading glasses because I use them so much, but I also don't use them so much. Its like a vision purgatory.

So I had this great idea - why not get one of those chains that you hang around your neck and attach to your reading glasses? I actually have had this idea ever since I started having to wear reading glasses (holy shit - 5 years ago?), but there was no way in hell I was going to beat my own mother to that concession of youth.

It turned into a great idea when giving a shit about how old I am - or to be completely honest, how old I appear - became less important, and my growing frustration over always losing my reading glasses became maddening. So I got on ebay and found this really aesthetically pleasing chain. I also found a really adorable new pair of reading glasses. Yay!

I got said chain and glasses in the mail and was using the two of them together when my 14 year old son came in and told me that I look old. I was like, "Do I look old, or do I just look like someone young who is wearing something that old people wear?"

He said I just looked old. And it didn't bother me, even a little.

I've been through a lot in my life, and I guess I'm getting to the age when your past starts to catch up to your body. In this way, I am kind of proud of looking older. It is an expression of survival, of wrinkles and scars as battle wounds and triumph. I was not really pleased last night when someone guessed my age to be 40, but I just contributed that to other factors (such as the person making the guess had very distorted vision).

So the older I am getting it seems the less of an expectation on the part of society for me to conform and be paint-by-numbers pretty. I've never been paint-by-numbers anything anyway, except of course when I have done paint-by-numbers pictures, which I find quite soothing.

Maybe I am just becoming more secure about myself, which would be a good sign of progress since I've been in therapy for years. Regardless, I am excited about being who I am and all of the work I do just to figure out who I am.

I wore short shorts with cowboy boots yesterday. That was fun! My sister kept making suggestions like, "maybe you should get some sun on your legs first," and "a cute skirt would look really good instead of the shorts." Jonny kept calling me Little Miss Sunshine.

Embracing my pale skin is one of the things I'm doing this summer as a big "fuck you" to society, and I have always wanted to wear cowboy boots with shorts ever since I was little. Also, Little Miss Sunshine kicks ass!

Needless to say, but I will anyway, my age is becoming less relevant to my own self-conception. It is really quite liberating. And now it is 10:30 pm on Friday night and I need to go get ready for bed.