Remembering things

A little note for anyone who doesn't know everything about me: i have dissociative amnesia and didn't start remembering bad things that happened to me when i was younger until i was 31 and in a mental hospital. that was almost 3 years ago. anymore background and this is going to turn into a separate blog....hmmm, maybe i should do a separate blog about that...anyway, here's me today:

i have been remembering things today. really serious, shitty, painful things. my body has been remembering things today, too. when i was walking to my car after class my hip got all stiff and i had a horrible pain in my back under my right shoulder blade. i can't remember if the pain in my back was from a kick or an elbow - i'm thinking elbow - but it really hurt.

last summer i was driving and my arms started hurting so bad - just aching intensely, and my shoulders, too. it lasted for about 20 minutes, same as with the pain in my back today. the aching arms and shoulders were from being tied to a tree for a few hours. i hate pine trees.

the remembering has slown down a lot. it started out as tons of wet sand being poured all over me with an occasional sharp slap to the face. you know when you're putting a puzzle together and there is one random piece missing here and there and you have to press on the piece to get it into that blank space? that's what remembering is mostly like now, sometimes the soft easing of that puzzle piece into where it belongs, and sometimes like a snap when you have to really force that piece to fit.

today is a wet sand day.

somehow i feel less wound up. until a couple of years ago, i had all of these rubber bands wrapped really tightly in my guts. they've begun to break or just disintegrate, over time with therapy and recovery, etc., but sometimes i don't realize there are more of them very deep inside until another one goes, and i have a bit more of myself that i didn't know existed, and a bit less of my fear.

its a balance, a give and take. sometimes i ask myself if it is worth it to deal with all of this shit and have these memories of a life i never knew existed until i was 31 fucking years old. sometimes i can answer that question and sometimes i can't.

today i don't think i can. i can look at everything that i've been through in the past and see all of the blessings and peace i have now, and they really do balance out. would i have rather not experienced any of the bad stuff in the past, and consequently not have the blessings and peace i have now? i don't know sometimes.

i am certain sometimes, though, that i would rather be just right where i am, because all of the blessings are worth all of the shitty stuff. i have not once been certain that they were not worth it.

its a very narrow line, and days like today put me right back on it. but, as my therapist likes to point out, i am not in a mental hospital - i am learning to cope and live my life. the past doesn't devastate me anymore. i am breathing, i have no pains in my chest, i'm only a little nauseous, and about 30 minutes ago, my friend's puppy was chasing her tail and i laughed so hard i did that embarrassing snorting thing.

i have gotten out of bed today. i went to school today. i didn't take a shower, and i'm wearing the clothes i wore yesterday and slept in, but i did brush my teeth today - that definitely counts. i got some work done today (it was fun work, but i count it anyway because its still work). i made some money today (i already spent it, but that can be easily overlooked for the purpose of this exercise). i loved today, and people loved me today.

i am not hungry. i have a pretty nice car (it has ass warmers in the seats!). my kids are clean and fed and healthy. my husband is really a good person, and even though he irritates the shit out of me sometimes, i know i irritate the shit out of him, too, and i honestly love being with him, even just sitting next to him.

we have a positive balance in the bank account, i'm going to france (!), i live in frigging peachtree city AND i have a golf cart.

so. life doesn't seem so overwhelming. wet sand day or not, i'm living now.